The Stories That No Longer Fit
Outgrowing Beliefs That Once Made Sense
Hey friend.
Welcome back to Running to Myself.
I’m your host, Trisha Stanton.
Today I want to talk about something that shows up in coaching conversations all the time, especially in the beginning. It is something we all carry, often without realizing it, and it quietly shapes how we show up in our lives.
Identity.
And more specifically, the old stories about who we think we are.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. About how many of us are still living from identities that were formed decades ago. Identities that made sense at one time. Identities that were assigned to us. Identities we adopted in order to survive, belong, or stay safe.
And yet here we are.
Adults. Parents. Leaders. Professionals.
Still wearing beliefs that no longer fit.
Let me start here.
In coaching, there is often a moment early on where a client starts to see that many of their current struggles are connected to old beliefs about themselves. Beliefs that did not come from careful adult reflection, but from childhood experiences.
At first, that realization usually brings a lot of understanding.
Of course I think this way.
Of course I struggle with this.
Of course I feel stuck here.
It makes sense.
And it does make sense.
But what is interesting is that even when something makes sense, we do not always question whether it still belongs.
And that is where I want to spend our time today.
Because just because a belief was understandable, or even necessary, at one point in your life does not mean it still fits the person you are now.
Here is an analogy that came to mind recently.
You would not continue to wear your clothes from childhood.
That sounds ridiculous when we say it out loud, right.
You would not open your closet, pull out a pair of jeans you wore when you were eight years old, and try to squeeze yourself into them now. You would not say, well these used to fit me, so I guess I should keep wearing them.
You would recognize immediately that those clothes belong to a different season. A different body. A different stage of growth.
You would laugh. Maybe this thought causes you to roll your eyes a bit because it's so ridiculous.
And yet we do exactly that with our beliefs about ourselves.
We keep wearing identities that once fit, even when they are now restrictive, uncomfortable, and limiting.
Let me slow this down a bit.
When we are children, we are forming beliefs constantly. About ourselves. About others. About the world.
And those beliefs are not formed in a vacuum.
They are shaped by family dynamics.
By school experiences.
By what was praised and what was criticized.
By what got attention and what did not.
By what felt safe and what felt risky.
Many of us picked up identities simply by noticing patterns.
Maybe you learned early on that being responsible was how you earned approval. So you became the responsible one.
Maybe you learned that being easygoing kept the peace. So you became the one who did not rock the boat.
Maybe you learned that being quiet kept you from being embarrassed. So you became the one who stayed small.
Maybe you learned that being successful brought love. So you became the achiever.
None of these identities are wrong.
They were adaptive.
They helped you navigate the world you were in.
But here is the key question.
Do they still fit the world you are in now?
Or are you still living from a version of yourself that no longer exists.
I see this play out in coaching in really practical ways.
A client might say something like, I have always been bad with money. Or I am just not a confident person. Or I am the one who takes care of everyone else. Or I am not creative. Or I am not good at relationships.
When we slow down and look at those statements, what we often find is that they are not facts. They are identities that were formed a long time ago and then reinforced over time.
And just like wearing clothes that are too small, those identities start to limit movement.
They restrict growth.
They keep you from expanding into who you actually are now.
Here is something important to understand.
Identity is not fixed.
It is not permanent.
It is not a life sentence.
Identity is a collection of stories you have been telling yourself for a long time.
And stories can be revised.
Not erased.
Not denied.
But updated.
Let me give you an example that comes up often.
Someone might come into coaching and say, I am not a leader.
When we explore that belief, we often find that it traces back to childhood experiences. Maybe they were shy. Maybe they were overshadowed by a sibling. Maybe they were criticized when they spoke up. Maybe they were told to stay in their lane.
So they learned, leadership is not for me.
That belief made sense then.
But now, they are managing teams. Raising families. Running businesses. Making decisions every single day.
The belief no longer fits the reality.
Yet because it has been worn for so long, it feels true.
This is one of the most important distinctions I teach in coaching.
Something can feel true without being true.
Familiar does not mean accurate.
Old does not mean correct.
And just because you have believed something for a long time does not mean it deserves a permanent place in your life.
I want you to pause here and consider this.
What are some of the identities you carry that you rarely question.
Not the ones you are proud of.
The ones that quietly limit you.
The ones that sound like this.
That is just who I am.
I have always been this way.
People like me do not do things like that.
It is too late for me to change.
Those are not neutral observations.
Those are inherited beliefs.
And inherited beliefs deserve to be examined.
One of the most freeing moments in coaching is when a client realizes, I do not actually have to keep believing this.
There is often a mix of relief and grief.
Relief because they see new possibilities.
Grief because they realize how long they have lived inside a story that kept them small.
Both reactions are normal.
If you are listening to this and noticing some discomfort, that is okay.
Growth often starts with discomfort.
Not because something is wrong, but because something is being stretched.
Here is another way to think about it.
Your childhood beliefs were formed by a child’s nervous system, a child’s perspective, and a child’s level of power.
You are no longer that child.
You have more agency now.
More choice.
More awareness.
More resources.
So it makes sense to revisit the beliefs that were formed when you had very little control.
This is not about blaming your past.
It is about reclaiming your present.
One of the most practical exercises I use in coaching around this is very simple.
I invite clients to complete this sentence.
I am the kind of person who…
And then I ask them to notice what comes up automatically.
Not what they want to believe.
Not what sounds good.
But what feels familiar.
I am the kind of person who gives up.
I am the kind of person who struggles.
I am the kind of person who puts others first.
I am the kind of person who cannot stick with things.
Those statements often feel deeply true.
But they are not neutral observations.
They are adopted identities.
And identities drive behavior.
If you believe you are the kind of person who struggles, you will look for evidence of struggle.
If you believe you are the kind of person who puts others first, you will override your own needs.
If you believe you are the kind of person who cannot stick with things, you will stop trying when things get uncomfortable.
So the work is not just to change behavior.
It is to examine the identity underneath the behavior.
And this is where the clothing analogy matters.
Because you do not have to shame yourself for outgrowing something.
Outgrowing is a sign of growth.
You would not criticize a child for needing bigger shoes as they grow.
You would not say, what is wrong with you for not fitting into those anymore.
You would simply buy a new pair.
What if you approached your identity the same way.
What if you said, this belief made sense once, but it does not fit me now.
That is not failure.
That is maturity.
Let me say that again.
Outgrowing old beliefs is not a failure of character.
It is a sign of development.
Many of us are living adult lives with childhood definitions of who we are allowed to be.
And that creates tension.
It creates exhaustion.
It creates a constant sense of pushing against something invisible.
Because you are trying to expand while still wearing something too tight.
So what do we do with this?
I want to offer you a few simple steps.
Not a dramatic overhaul.
Not a reinvention.
Just an invitation to look.
First, notice where you feel restricted.
Where do you feel like you cannot fully express yourself?
Where do you feel like you are holding back?
Where do you feel like you are constantly proving or protecting?
Those areas often point directly to old identity beliefs.
Second, ask this question.
When did I first learn this about myself?
Not to analyze deeply.
Just to notice.
You might be surprised how far back it goes.
Third, ask an adult question.
Does this belief still fit the life I am living now?
Not does it feel true.
But does it serve me?
Does it support the person I want to become?
Does it align with the life I am building?
And finally, experiment.
You do not have to declare a new identity.
You can simply try on a different belief.
Just like you would step into a fitting room.
What would it be like to believe something slightly more spacious?
Something like this.
I am learning to speak up.
I am becoming more confident.
I am allowed to take up space.
I am allowed to change.
You do not have to force yourself to believe it.
You just have to be willing to consider it.
Identity shifts do not happen overnight.
They happen through small repeated actions that gently contradict the old story.
And every time you act outside the old identity, you loosen its grip.
Over time, the new belief begins to fit better.
More comfortably.
More naturally.
Let me leave you with this.
You are not required to remain loyal to a version of yourself that no longer fits.
You can honor who you were without staying there.
You can appreciate what an identity once gave you without letting it define you forever.
Growth means updating.
And you are allowed to update your story.
If this resonated with you, I invite you to take a few minutes today and reflect on this one question.
What belief about myself might I have outgrown.
Just notice what comes up.
No fixing.
No judging.
Just noticing.
That is where change begins.
Thanks for spending this time with me today.
I am really glad you are here. If this message spoke to you, please share it with a friend who might need to hear it as well. Until next time, keep running to yourself.
