Episode 91 What You’re Really After (And How to Create It Yourself)

May 25, 2026

What If It’s Not the Thing… But the Feeling You’re After?

✨ Episode Summary

In this episode, I take you back to a very specific moment in my childhood—when I was convinced that a pair of clogs, long hair, and painted nails would finally make me feel special.

At the time, it felt so real. So true.

But what I didn’t understand then—and what many of us still don’t fully see now—is this:

We don’t actually want the things we’re chasing.

We want how we think those things will make us feel.

And when we unknowingly assign our feelings to something outside of us…
we end up waiting.

Waiting for the weight loss.
Waiting for the relationship to change.
Waiting for the circumstances to line up.

In this conversation, we unpack that pattern and walk through a different way—one where you begin creating the feelings you desire from the inside out.

Not by pretending.
Not by forcing.
But by understanding how your thoughts are shaping your emotional experience—and learning how to shift them on purpose.

🎯 What You’ll Learn

Why we often chase external results (and why they don’t deliver lasting feelings)
• The hidden pattern behind desires like confidence, security, and feeling “enough”
• How to identify the real feeling you’re after
• The difference between neutral facts and the stories we attach to them
• How to begin generating emotions like confidence, calm, and self-respect on purpose
• A simple daily practice to start creating the feelings you’ve been waiting on

🧠 Key Takeaway

You’re not actually chasing the thing.
You’re chasing the feeling you believe the thing will give you.

And that feeling is more available to you than you think.

🔧 Try This

Pick one feeling you’ve been waiting for—confidence, calm, connection, peace.

Ask yourself:
“What would I be thinking if I already felt this?”

Write down a few thoughts—and practice thinking them on purpose.

Not perfectly. Just consistently.

🤍 Work With Me

If this episode resonated with you and you’re ready to take this work deeper, I’d love to support you.

You can schedule a free coaching consultation here:
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Learn your patterns. Lead your life.

Episode Transcript

Episode 91: What You’re Really After (And How to Create It Yourself)
In 3rd grade, more than anything in the world, I wanted a pair of clogs.
It was 1979, and I can still picture them perfectly…
Thick wooden sole, stacked heel, soft brown leather across the top.
If I close my eyes I can still hear them…
Clomp, clomp, clomp… walking down the hallway.
I was sure that if I had those shoes… everything would be different.
I also wanted long, polished fingernails.
And long,thick, flowing hair.
What I had…
was plain white sandals,
thin, stick-straight, medium-length hair that always looked stringy,
short, unpolished fingernails,
and a dad who thought little girls should not wear nail polish.
in my plain shoes, plain hair, and plain fingernails…
I felt very… plain.
Unnoticed.
Unremarkable.
And what I really wanted to feel was…
Special.
Pretty.
Grown up.
Pause there for a second.
Because this matters more than it seems.
________________

Decades later, when I started learning coaching tools…
I learned something that completely changed how I see desire. Are you ready for it?
We don’t actually want the things we want.
We want how we think those things will make us feel.
________________

Let’s travel back to little girl me.
At 8 years old, I wasn’t thinking:
“I want clogs because I enjoy footwear variety.”
No.
My brain was telling me:
“If I had those shoes… I would feel special like my classmate, Laura clomp, clomping fabulously through the halls.
“If I had long hair… I would feel pretty like my neighbor Stacy whose mom always gave her the most beautiful and attention grabbing braids and styles that strangers would stop her in public to compliment her.
“If I had long painted fingernails… I would feel grown up like my beautiful Aunt Carol and Aunt Judy who had fancy jobs. Let me clarify, by fancy job, I mean they were teachers, so clearly 8 year old me hadn’t seen much of the world beyond my own cul de sac.
But here’s what’s important:
I had unknowingly handed those feelings over to things outside of me.
Shoes.
Hair.
Nail polish.
Of course it’s fun to look back and laugh at that sweet, naive version of myself, but the truth is, we don’t grow out of this.
We just upgrade the clogs.
The adult version might sound like:
“I’ll feel confident when I lose the weight.”
“I’ll feel secure when the relationship improves.”
“I’ll feel successful when I have the bigger house.”
“I’ll feel calm when everything settles down.”
Same pattern.
Different shoes.
________________

Here’s the problem with that pattern.
If you believe the feeling comes from the thing…
You will spend your life chasing the thing.
But when you get it…The feeling doesn’t last.
That’s because the feeling never came from the thing in the first place.
It came from the thought you had about the thing.
Let me say that again in a really simple way:
It’s not the clogs that create “special.”
It’s the thought: “These make me special.”
And if that’s true…
Then we have way more power than we think.
________________

Are you ready for the shift in thinking?
This is where everything starts to open up.
Your feelings are not coming from your circumstances.
They’re coming from your thinking.
So if you’ve been waiting for something outside of you to deliver a feeling…you’ve been waiting on the wrong thing.
And I say that with so much compassion, because we all do this.
But it also means… You don’t have to wait anymore.
If you are ready to take action and create that feeling you want, here are 4 simple tools to get you started:
________________

Tool #1: Identify the Real Desire
Here's where we start.
Instead of asking:
“What do I want?”
I want you to ask:
“What do I think this will make me feel?”
Let's make it real.
If your brain says:
“I want to get in better shape.”
Pause.
And ask:
“What feeling am I chasing there?”
Confidence?
Pride?
Freedom?
Attraction?
Get specific.
Because what you want is not actually the result.
It’s the feeling you think the result will give you. I know this way of thinking might feel a little strange at first, but stick with me and you’ll begin to see how true it is.
________________

Tool #2: Separate the Fact from the Story
Now this is where your Mindset Map work comes in.
We take the situation—the neutral fact—and we separate it from the story.
The fact might be:
“I don’t have the body I want right now.”
Neutral.
The story is:
“That means I’m not confident.”
“That means I’m not attractive.”
“That means I’m behind.”
And those thoughts create the feeling.
Not the body.
________________

Tool #3: Create the Feeling on Purpose
Now here’s the part most people skip. But it’s also where you have all the power!
If the feeling is created by a thought…
then we can practice thinking on purpose.
So if you’re waiting to feel confident until everything changes…
What would it look like to start generating confidence now?
Not to fake it.
Not to force it.
But to build it.
Thought by thought.
Something like:
“I can trust myself to follow through.”
“I’m learning how to show up consistently.”
“I don’t need to be perfect to respect myself.”
Feel the difference there.
That’s available right now.
No clogs required.
________________

As I think back to that little 3rd grade version of me…
sitting there in my plain white sandals…
feeling invisible.
If I could sit next to her now, I wouldn’t hand her a pair of shoes.
I would teach her something different.
I would tell her:
“You get to decide how you see yourself.”
“You don’t have to wait to feel special.”
“It’s not in the shoes… it’s in you.”
________________

Tool #4: Daily Practice
Here’s something simple you can do starting today.
Pick one feeling you’ve been waiting on.
Just one.
Confidence.
Calm.
Connection.
Peace.
Pride.
And ask yourself:
“What would I be thinking if I already felt this?”
Write down 2–3 thoughts.
And then practice them.
They might not fit perfectly yet.
Practice them consistently anyway.
Because feelings aren’t found.
They’re formed through practice. Even if we don’t realize it yet.
________________

If you take nothing else from this episode, take this:
You are not chasing a result.
You are chasing a feeling.
And the moment you realize you can create that feeling on purpose…
everything shifts.
Because now…
you’re no longer waiting.
You’re leading yourself and creating the life you want on purpose.
________________

Learn your patterns. Lead your life.
Thanks for being here with me this week. Until next time, keep running to yourself.